October Financial Fitness Challenge�Money Secrets Corrode Trust in a Marriage

A few months ago we looked at how important it is for partners in a marriage to keep each other in the loop about their finances, even if one of the pair takes the lead on family finances. The goal is to not leave a surviving spouse at a disadvantage in case something happens to the finance specialist.

But recently we received an e-mail that opens up a whole different aspect of couples and money. The writer was distressed about her credit card debt. But worse than that was this concern: "My husband does not know about my debt, which totals about $15,000."

Secrets will out

That confession will sound familiar to some readers and appalling to others. The message was a little shocking and also sad. And although she may not realize it, the writer has lots of company.

I know a guy who gets regular visits from the "tool fairy," a generous spirit who bestows expensive home remodeling tools by leaving them in his garage. I learned this on one visit when his wife asked, "Where did that band saw come from?" and he answered, "Oh, the tool fairy left that for me."

And I'm thinking of a friend who used to intercept the mail every day so she could prevent her husband from seeing the credit card bills. She'd store her shopping finds in her car and take them into the house when her husband wasn't around. You won't be surprised to hear that that couple isn't together anymore.

If there's nothing to hide, hide nothing

Each couple finds its place along the trust scale from "we share all financial details" to "we lie a lot about finances." And each couple at the end of the scale where lies are common has a different story. It may be control issues, compulsive spending, gambling, or substance abuse. Or it may be that what seemed at first like a so-called white lie turned into a slippery slope of serious deceit.

If you're cheating on your spouse�financially or otherwise�you will pay eventually.

No matter the cause, when you're in a financial hole and could use an outside perspective, turn to the people at your credit union. Someone there may be able to help you sort out your options or may refer you to a counselor. You also can find a nonprofit credit counseling affiliate of the National Foundation for Credit Counseling or by calling 800-388-2227.

And find out if your company health benefits or employee assistance program (EAP) cover counseling and therapy, then find a qualified professional through that network.

Until you come clean with your scary financial secret, you're not just cheating on your spouse; you're cheating yourself out of what your relationship could become with earned trust.

Financial Fitness Challenge

Don't forget to register for the Financial Fitness Challenge. Each month we'll randomly select five winners to receive $50 Visa gift cards; we'll choose each month's winners only from that month's entries, so enter often.

ST
Susan Tiffany, CCUFC [email protected]

Published October 5, 2009