Suddenly Solo--Life After Losing a Mate

Losing the love of your life, whether through death or divorce, can plunge you into an emotional tailspin. In the midst of coping with grief, fear, anger, and other feelings, most people have little energy to think about financial planning.

That sort of response is only natural, points out Brent Neiser, a certified financial planner and director of collaborative programs for the National Endowment for Financial Education, Greenwood Village, Colo. "I think it's healthy," he says. "Something out of the blue has happened. Or maybe it wasn't totally out of the blue, but when the reality hits, it hurts. Your emotions are reeling."

Adding even more difficulties during an already painful time, "We all know we have to deal with the money thing, too," Neiser adds.

Take a deep breath

One common mistake people make when suddenly faced with being alone is to panic, says Linda Barlow, a certified financial planner in Santa Ana, Calif. That's not to say there's anything wrong with feeling afraid of such a major life change. "It is scary, even if you are a fairly independent person," she points out. "It calls up all kinds of fears, many of them unfounded."

But sometimes people let their fears get the better of them. For instance, they rush to sell their home because they think they'll need the money to pay bills. Advice from friends and family members may compound such overreactions.

"What happens is that this suddenly single, fearful person is descended upon by all kinds of do-gooders, who may be well-meaning," Barlow says. "Adult children usually are full of ideas. They dispense advice freely, and sometimes it's wrong."

More advice pours in from other sources, Barlow adds. In the case of a spouse's death, for example, the agent who hands over the life insurance check also may deliver suggestions about what to do with the money.

The sense of urgency to get on with one's life, coupled with loads of "helpful" advice, can cause a newly single person to rush into financial decisions. When Barlow spots such tendencies among her clients, "I try to put the brakes on," she says. "We have to sit down and figure out the finances."

Most people, she notes, can scrape together enough money to get them through a few months without taking rash actions such as selling their homes. It's critical to take your time in sizing up your financial situation.

But based on her experience, Barlow observes that widows especially are prone to pushing ahead. "They feel that now they're responsible," she notes, "and they don't want to let their husbands down. So they want to take care of everything in the first week, which is ridiculous."

Take stock

While some people fear they won't have enough money, others overestimate what they have, or will have, says Neiser. "If there's been a death, people think there's going to be some kind of payoff," he explains. "But there may be financial time bombs, such as taxes or other financial obligations you're not aware of, that will quickly eat through the money."

Thus, one of the first steps for a newly single person is to "see where you are," Neiser advises. "Take a financial inventory. You may want to do that with the help of a trusted friend or loved one. And it might take a little detective-type work if your spouse didn't share a lot about what was going on with your finances."

Barlow encounters that situation frequently among clients. "They may know which financial institution has the safe-deposit box," she notes. "But they don't know the number or where the key is."

You'll need to dig out such information. Locate important documents, such as the deed to your house, share draft/checking and savings account statements, brokerage and retirement account statements, credit card bills, wills, car titles, tax returns, insurance policies, and so on. Again, you may want to turn to someone you trust for help in your searching.

You also may want that person with you when you visit your financial adviser, especially if the adviser is relatively new to you, suggests Neiser. "Bring someone who can take notes," he says. "And maybe go in with a list of questions prepared beforehand. You can use those as your crutch if you become emotional" during the consultation.

Be proactive

No one wants to contemplate the loss of a spouse or life partner. But should you suffer such a loss, you'll make it easier on yourself if you've taken a couple of basic steps beforehand. Know where all your important documents are kept. Have a general sense of your financial resources and obligations, even if you're not the one who pays the bills.

Neiser, for instance, handles most of his family's finances, and he travels a great deal in his job. After the Sept. 11 attacks, he and his wife discussed "what if." As a result, "I did a list," he says, "that turned into 11 pages, about where things are, what bills come due at different times of the year, where the tax information is, and so on. I actually wrote it all down."

He advises couples to do something similar--while you're still together. "To me, this is a learning opportunity," he says. "It's a signal to do the basics of getting a sense of where you are financially and getting good communication going between you."

Published October 17, 2005